Yesterday the news came – Bao Bingzhang, the mayor of Xuhui, declared that Yongkang Lu – the drinking destination favored by Shanghai’s most discerning laowai – was to be shut down. “Yongkang Lu Bars Must Be Eliminated” the headline roared across the Xinmin Wanbao. The news went around Wechat like wildfire. And then today came the follow-up: “Yongkang Lu Bars To Be Shut by the End of July”. Tears were shed. Drinks were ordered.
But hope is not lost. The hastily-assembled Committee To Protect the Rights of Laowai to Get Incredibly Drunk and Cause Noise on the Street at All Hours (CTPTROLTGIDACNOTSAAH) issued the following statement at a press conference convened late this afternoon. It appeared they had not slept all night, instead opting to drink all the pastis at Cafe des Stagiaires. Here is the statement:
“We, the representatives of the CTPTROLTGIDACNOTSAAH, were greatly disturbed by the news yesterday. This decision by the Mayor of Xuhui to infringe upon the rights of laowai to get incredibly drunk and cause noise on the street at all hours is an alarm to the world that rights abuses are taking place in many places and we all need to be vigilant about these things lest someday there is no one even to stand up for you when they take your rights away as they surely will someday, probably soon, but certainly soon enough, if in fact they have not been taken away already. Have you even looked for your rights recently? Are they still there? Nevermind.
We protest! That’s right. We protest loudly. We protest whenever we like, even at midnight on Yongkang Lu with pours of cold craft beer and bottles of cheap Bordeaux and occasional well-mixed cocktails in hand, but that’s mainly the ladies. We protest on behalf of everyone who has ever been unfaired against. And we ask a question! How can Xuhui district have a mayor? Don’t only cities have a mayor? How can a district have a mayor? Is this Bao Bingzhang (a made-up name if we’ve ever heard one) even real? Can anyone produce proofs? If so, we hope it is 100-proof and drinkable and 2-for-1 before 8pm.
We, the CTPTROLTGIDACNOTSAAH, will not take this news laying down. Though we may actually be laying down now, that is a different matter, a literal matter, not to be confused with our determination to make the following stunning announcement. Yongkang Lu will hold a referendum whether or not to succeed from Shanghai! If the mayor of Xuhui doesn’t want us, fine, FINE, we will form our own government and elect our own mayor. If a district can have a mayor, why can’t our street? Then we will join the EU, because they need us. Or possibly the South China Sea, depending.”
At this point in the press conference, the representatives of CTPTROLTGIDACNOTSAAH paused to take questions: Your reporter had but one: “Do you mean ‘secede’ rather than ‘succeed’?”
The answer came swiftly and firmly and resolutely: “Yes.”
After a fair bit more discussion about which expat magazine was currently the worst (a tie between Timeout, City Weekend and That’s which necessitated another round of drinks and some wild random sexting with some interns met at MYST the other night), the representative suddenly shouted,
“YKexit! YKexit! Who’s for the YKexit?”
At which point your reporter suggested “Yongkangxit” might be more catchy. Or perhaps just Yexit.
There you have it, straight from the source, news you can use. Fun times.
Hahahaha! Excellent post. You had me cracking up.