Friends! Important news!
As we all know, things have been contentious between the US and China recently. 中美关系不好！ Thanks to the two very important recently obtained highly classified documents shared below we can see that there is something that both countries can agree on at the very highest levels of government!
Read on to find out more!
The following is an excerpt from a speech given by Premier Li Qiang to the Central Committee of the Politburo of the CCP in April 2024. It is highly classified and a provides a rare window into the inner workings of the Party elite.
“Comrades! I bring you important news, shocking news, news which will surely test your resolve as a revolutionary – there is a scourge among us! Not “us” as in “me and you”, but “us” as in “them”, the Chinese people, who are also a part of us, because we represent them – every single one of them – but they are not part of “us us” as in “me and you” as they are not Party members. I digress.
What is this scourge? It is nothing less than spiritual pollution! How many campaigns against spiritual pollution have we successfully conluded over the many decades of our glorious Party? Many. You would think that by now spiritual pollution would be thoroughly eradicated. But it is not! And it never shall be! Think about it: if it were, then what would we be able to rally against? I digress again.
The spiritual pollution of which I speak today is a particularly insidious spiritual pollution that is around us at all times, a spiritual pollution that is highly visible, highly flammable and highly toxic, a spiritual pollution which we put on display every single day. It is, in short, the most insidious form of spiritual pollution we have ever encoutered, more insidious than democracy, post-modernism and Hollywood combined, that is to say – very bad!
Let me explain.
The other day our Dear Leader, the core of the Party, the Leading Light of the New Revolutionary Generation and Vanguard of the New Socialist Era with Chinese Characteristics, the Helsman guiding us towards realisation of the Great China Dream, decided he wanted to walk amongst the people, an impromptu inspection tour, if you will, of the masses in our great and glorious capitol city.
“A wonderful idea, sir!” I replied. I immediately assembled retainers, bodyguards, secretaries, flunkies, fixers, interpreters, and various other staff members, and, as a phalanx, we departed Zhongnanhai.
It was a bright, glorious day in our capitol, one of the those perfect spring days when the skies are blue and the scent of lilac hangs in the air. We strolled at leisure through the crowds around Jingshan Park. Along the way our Dear Leader pressed hands with the masses. He even stopped to chat with a 6-year-old child, encouraging her to “study hard the teachings of Marx, Lei Feng, and Chairman Mao” and make her parents, and the nation, proud.
When the people set eyes on our Dear Leader, their faces lit up with joy. The smiling face of a revolutionary worker is truly brighter than a thousand suns! To see our Dear leader in the flesh was surely more joyful their their own child’s wedding day!
Our Dear Leader in turn beamed his radiant goodness upon them. I could see from his face he was relaxed and at his ease. We walked for a time as the Dear Leader dropped comments which were duly transcribed for publication in the 10th volume of his Collected Works provisionally titled “Thoughts Scattered like Petals of Spring Flowers Among the Masses”. This, I might add, was my idea.
But the further we walked, the more his smile began to fade. We looked upon him and at each other with increasing anxiety and agitation. His pace slackened. His mouth gaped. What was wrong? What had displeased him? What could it possibly be?
Finally he drew to a stop completely. We crowded around him. No one dared utter a word. The Dear Leader’s mouth worked, but not a sound came out. Finally, in my capacity as the anointed Number 2, I felt obliged to say something.
“Dear Leader, tell us, what troubles your heart?” I felt like falling to my knees.
Eyes staring straight ahead, he raised his arm level with the ground. “Their….shirts!”
“Shirts?”
“All…English!”
“English shirts? Sir? Please enlighten us!” I begged for guidance. The Dear Leader gradually began to shake out of his stupor. He looked me in the eye. I felt as if I were transparent, as if my very soul had been revealed, quaking, newborn, in the strong morning sun.
“Don’t you see, their shirts all have English words on them! English! I ask you: what country is this?”
“What…country?”
Hie eyes flamed at my most unrevolutionary timidity.
He thundered forth: “I shall ask but one more time: what country is this?” He pointed to the ground under his feet. My mind went blank. All the blood drained out of my body. I was paralyzed.
Luckily at that moment a particularly perky staffer piped up. “China?” she offered.
“Yes!” thundered the Dear Leader. “China! A thouand times China! And why in China should everyone wear clothes with English on them? Answer me that!”
We had no answer. Our heads drooped low. We looked at the ground like naughty schoolchildren. Indeed, why should everyone in China be wearing clothes with English on them? Every day of every year every one is confronted with English words on Chinese bodies.
And what do these words mean, what subtle message is being transmitted right under our eyes? None of us had any clue. But no matter what it is surely it is spiritual pollution. At the very least its very unintelligibility reminds us of our inadequacies. It is nothing less than the continuation of 150 years of national humiliation at the hands of the West!
The Dear Leader patiently explained all this to us. Gradually our minds were enlightened. Gradually our lives which had gone dark were once again filled with revolutionary sunshine. Our Dear Leader truly has the keenest vision and the sharpest mind. Nothing escapes him, nothing gets past him, especially nothing created by foreigners which is surely meant to topple our glorious Party from its position as rightful heirs to 5,000 years of Chinese history.
And so, comrades, today we make a declaration which shakes the earth and rattles the heaves: from now on Chinese people shall only wear shirts with Chinese words on them! If a Chinese person would like to wear a shirt with English words on them they must first apply for permission from the newly created Bureau of Linguistic Management, a sub-department of the newly-created Information Support Force, which, as we all know, is a pillar of our Dear Leader’s plan to modernize our nation’s defensive capabilities in accordance with the 5-Year Plan approved by the 3rd Plenum of the 8th Committee of the 21st Politburo. An app to support such applications will be launched very soon.
This applies to our comrades in Hong Kong and Taiwan and anywhere else in the world in fact. I leave it to you to implement this important new policy.
(At this point a tidal wave of applause is heard on the recording which goes on for a good ten minutes and is still going on when the tape recording runs out)
The following is a Top Secret Memo from the Select Committee of the National Security Council, Asia Department, East Asia Bureau, Greater China, Asymmetric Threats Sub-committee specializing in Linguistics, Symbolism, Dream Interpretation and Psychic Experiences. It is highly classified.
It has long been known to us that the Communist Party of China has but one overarching goal: the destruction of all that we in America hold dear. Oh yes, to be sure, on pleasant days they speak pleasant words about “mutual benefit” and “multipolar governance” and “the fraternity of nations” but we know deep down they dislike capitalism and hate freedom.
They would like nothing more than to see us fail and they will stop at nothing to achieve their aims. Their methods of subversion are as devious as they are comprehensive.
They think long-term! They peer into a thousand years into the future! When they feel they are in a position of weakness they speak of “communities of shared destiny” and offer helpful advice on niceties such as Climate Change and The War on Terror. But when they are strong the smiles on their inscrutable faces conceal a joy at the thought of the capitalist world collapsing into dust at their feet.
They have infiltrated our most sacred organisations such as the World Trade Organisation and the United Nations giving us the most optimistic re-assurances. But secretly, implacably, behind the scenes, day by day, they bend them to their devious and destructive ends. At the same time they found new organisations with strange, unfathomable acronyms such as APAC and SCO and BAOAN FORUM. Who could possibly know what these letters stand for or what they really mean?
No doubt they stand against everything we hold dear.
In the military sphere, as we know all too well, they slowly, patiently, methodically build their capacities. Missiles! Submarines! Machines which hurl bombs! Each one carefully calculated to counteract our machines which also hurl bombs. Truly despicable.
In economics they are no better. They have, over the last 30 years and under the guise of the seemingly noble aspiration of “opening and reform”, taken all of our jobs. All of them! There is not a single job left in America! In fact, we are strongly thinking about outsourcing the work of the National Security Council to a group of undergrads at Peking University. Cost cutting, you know! Difficult times! In any event, you get my point: these vile people will stop at nothing to weaken America until it has been reduced from a paper tiger to a mere paper kitty cat!
And to this day they continue their depradations, finding ever more devious ways to subvert our grand and glorious civilization. In fact, our spies on the ground in China have recently transmitted to us incontrovertible proof of their most dastardly plot to date, a plot which represents nothing less than the final assault on the last bastion of our civilization: our beautiful English language.
You gasp, but it is true!
All around China today you will find on the streets, on every street in every city in fact, people – ordinary citizens, mind you! – wearing clothing emblazoned with English words, beautiful English words richly laden with meaning! And yet…and yet…I tell you, the people who wear these articles of clothing simply have no idea what these words mean. None at all!
I offer several examples. An old grandmother in a Beijing hutong last week was seen wearing a Kurt Cobain t-shirt. Kurt Cobain! Did she know who Kurt Cobain was? No!
A migrant worker in Anhui was seen in Shanghai wearing a coat which had emblazoned on the back the phrase “Modern Motherfucker World.” When queried about it the man sheepishly admitted he had no idea what it meant. No idea!
Just yesterday coming out of an apartment complex in Shanghai was a woman whose shirt bore the nihilistic slogan “I 100% don’t care about you”. What to do about this? How to respond? What does it mean?
We have dived into these questions. We have done the research. We have queried and consulted luminaries in the field. We have dusted off our Roland Barthes and de Saussure from our distant undergrad years and poured over them carefully and we can only come to one inevitable conclusion: My friends, this represents nothing less than an attack on the very foundation of meaning, the very foundation upon which our great and hoary Republic is based!
Still don’t understand? Let me paint you a picture closer to home.
If you see someone on your street wearing a MAGA hat, you may reasonably assume they are supporters of Donald Trump. If you see someone on your street wearing a Chicago Cubs t-shirt, you may reasonably assume that if you attempt to strike up a conversation with them about the legendary 1984 team which should have won the World Series that you would be warmly received, not met with a look of stunned confusion.
Imagine the chaos that would ensue if this were not the case. Socialists could be mistaken for capitalists. Conservatives could be mistaken for liberals. Liberals could be mistaken for indie rockers. Indie rockers would be mistaken for ravers, ravers might be mistaken for craft beer aficionados, Cubs fans would be mistaken for White Sox fans…IT WOULD BE ANARCHY!
Yes, I know, it is truly a dark picture. But this is exactly what has spread all across China – a veritable plague of meaning-eaters – deracinating our language one Nirvana t-shirt at a time! There can be no doubt that this is yet another facet of the nefarious plot to destroy all that is good and holy in the world, namely us.
Friends, patriots, they have taken our jobs, built machines to hurl bombs, and taken membership in our organisations. They have imagined our demise in a thousand possible ways, and now this – stealing the meaning from our beautiful language. It is an outrage!
What should we do? What can we do? First, we must be aware, always aware, terribly aware, fiercely aware, of the dangers and threats deployed against us. Nothing they do, nothing they say can be taken at face value. Clearly! Evidently! If they cannot be afforded the trust to wear a “DARE To Say No To Drugs” t-shirt – whether ironically or not – what can we trust them with? Nothing!
Second we must add budget to the National Security Council so that we are not forced to outsource the work of this very important subcommittee to undergraduates at Peking University. How embarrassing! Would we even be able to believe the reports they send us? Doubtful!
Finally – and most importantly – we must recognize and celebrate the patriots among us who are fighting back against this scourge – ah yes there are some! – namely those who have taken the bold step of acquiring Chinese tattoos without having any clue what the characters say. These people are our shock troops. These people are our Flying Tigers. We must identify them, support them, showcase them, celebrate them and encourage others to emulate them so that someday we will have millions of patriots walking around with random Chinese characters tattooed on their bodies. In this way we will beat them at their own game!
They may laugh at us, yes, for sure. But AFTER the laughing dies down, the Chinese will begin to wonder, to be puzzled, and ultimately to harbor doubt. They will doubt their own words, they will doubt their own history, they will doubt everything their government has told them, they will doubt everything their parents taught them! After that, it will be but a piece of piss to make their entire civilization collapse in a heap. Poof.
It is time, America, to stand up to Communist aggression! We call on all patriots to join the movement to #resistChina by getting a #meaninglessChinesetattoo!
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